Tuesday, August 31, 2010

day 6 of 100

Hi everyone.....I fell behind again, it seems as if it's becoming the trend here. Sorry I'll make a better effort. Well I totally slipped up on day 6. Here's the story. I'm pasting it from my confession to the other people on the 100 day challenge.......

So the cooked food that I did eat was super bad, it was fries from McDonalds. I was feeling pretty bad about some stuff going on here. Oh, well I can just tell you guys.

I have had this friend for over 5 yrs, but before we were friends we were bf & gf. After about 8 months I broke up with him. I had let a friend talk me into giving him a chance, he was nice and I thought he was pretty cool. As time went by I realized that even though I cared about him and I liked hanging out, I didn't want to be his gf and I didn't even have those kinds of feelings towards him. He took it pretty hard and I didn't see him for a long while. We ended up running into each other and we have been friends ever since. The whole time it was tough because he still had feelings for me and was still bitter about the break up. (he always denied both those things but would occasionally admit it) This would some how end up causing fights between us. I would get so frustrated that I would throw my hands in the air and say I can't be friends anymore. I hate conflict. He would make me feel bad saying that I didn't value our friendship. Then I would agree to be friends but we would have to try not to fight. Things went on this way for years. I let myself get caught in this cycle because when I was going through my self destruction era he was always there to save me. I was thankful to him because it was nice to know that there was some one I could trust to be there.
I finally had to stop this all on Saturday. For me arguing is tough. I have a lot of issues from my childhood and I'm just learning how to deal with my emotions. He would push me into these fights until I would get angry for me that is such a strong ugly feeling. Now that Im becoming more aware of myself because I stopped self medicating and I think because of raw food, I was able to see that this would most likely always be a toxic relationship. As much as I tried not to enter in conflict it was useless because the root of it all was his insecurities with me. There was nothing I could do to ease that as I couldn't see him like he wanted me to, I just didn't want to be his girlfriend.

This whole thing made me pretty sad for two reasons. 1) I did value his friendship and love. He was always the person I knew wasn't out to get me. With the exception of his opinion on other guys, he always wanted the best for me. 2) This left me with just 1 friend in the world, and she lives 4 hours away. With my brother away for school, this leaves me with no one. See all my friendships before were centered on parting and getting high. I had to let those people go. As I got sober I realized we had nothing else in common.....

All of this led me to McDonalld's. The reason I got into raw was because I wanted to become healthy and remove excess chemicals from my body. Since McD doesn't make the grade I had to ask myself why I wanted it. I realized that it was to comfort myself for what was going on. I decided to allow myself this. I drew the line at chicken selects, which is what I wanted. So all I got was the fries.

Ugh cleaning up your life can sometimes be drag, but I know it will be worth it in the end. Sorry to go on and on guys. Thanks to whoever made it this far down my post. 

So here is my intake for the day 6:

AM Weight:  150.4

*green smoothie: kale, carrot greens, beet greens, watermelon, grapes, goji berries, black plum, banana, & bee pollen 
*raw pesto on carrot/zucchini pasta with marinated mushrooms and tomatoes in olive oil, sea salt, & pepper
*french fries

So as you can see I was involved in some emotional eating but even then I did it knowingly and moved on. I think it is important not beat ones self up on small things. That guilt can lead you right back eating the foods you were trying to avoid. That's something to keep in mind for anyone on any diet. 

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